Day 9 & 10

I did it!! I did it!!

A whole sober weekend & I felt okay. There were a few triggers here & there but I brushed them aside. I actually can’t believe it was as easy as it was. I thought I might have terrible triggers all day Sunday but no I just got on with the day. It was a family day at home & I was fully present. My husband is being very loving & I can feel a better bound forming.

Today is Monday & I went to work as usual & I was criticized for something I had done on Friday which my boss brought to light to me. I felt disappointed. I am the kind of person that would get anxious about that & carry it with me for the day. I tried to reassure myself it was okay & you learn by your mistakes & even though it was something small my confidence was a little dented. I collected my son from school after work & walking home the thought did come into my head as it does each Monday oh wouldn’t it be nice to drink later & chill on the couch. There it was that inner voice which I thought – that is all it is a voice, it’s not you it’s the drink monster poking at you to drink. I said to myself – no it’s not going to win that silly thought does not control my happiness, even if it is going to be hard it is not going to ruin my life & I went home drink free & got on with my day…..success!!

I feel more productive, in the zone, present & optimistic. I am not fully there yet – maybe I will always have those thoughts to deal with & I hope I can always deal with them. I hope I can just learn to like me & not be afraid of what people think of me.

Let’s keep going !

Day 7

So it’s the weekend which means trigger time. I have had thoughts creep in today every now & then about having no alcohol this weekend & a feeling of small disappointment. I’m afraid the evenings might feel a bit boring- Saturdays I would usually awake thinking yay I can drink tonight, get a takeaway, watch a film with my husband- it would be the thing I would most look forward to all week. This ain’t living.

Tomorrow we plan on taking our son to a cafe for a weekend treat of a big slice of cake & to do some shopping, later cuddles & movie night with my husband minus the booze. What I have noticed about myself is that I have to have something to look forward to & the drink was my number one thing – that now has to be replaced by something. It’s not like drink was everything in my life. I have my family, a new job I love, I am a dance performer in my spare time, a good set of friend ( although they love to drink ) – I exercise almost daily but nothing makes me beam with happiness & I think it must be all those years of drinking has numbed my ability to feel in every way. I’m hoping this will change that I can live life & be content & happy.

I spent years & years caught in this cycle -what I am trying to keep in my thought is in a few months time I will feel amazing at my achievement – I will be normal – well kinda normal 😀

My Journey Begins- Female alcohol dependency

So this is day 5 of my new relationship with alcohol. As of Friday the 19th of Jan 2018 there will be no more hidden empty bottles hidden in the end of the wardrobe again after a night’s binging on a half bottle of vodka. No more stopping at the off licence after work or picking up a bottle at the supermarket, or walking the dog & stopping in somewhere to buy some booze & trying to hide it when coming back home to drink later in secret.

I am a 37 years old, married & have a 5 year old son. I began secret drinking in a past relationship long before I met my husband. The relationship was toxic & drank to numb myself I guess not realising I would end up with 13 years later caught in the same habit. My ex never in 6 & a half years knew about my secret drinking but less then 6 months into my relationship with my now husband he had found my empty bottles. Worried sick he didn’t know what to do & I convinced him not to tell anyone & that I will get it under control but he found them again & then again until we just didn’t talk about it anymore. I was so ashamed & the guilt haunted me but I still did it. I loved how alcohol made me feel so chilled so relaxed & the world stopped for those few hours while drunk.

I’ve tried before 9 months ago to stop after breaking down in front of my husband one night & telling him I knew I had a problem & drinking is what I most looked forward to. With his support I went to the doctor spoke things through & after 2 weeks of abstaining I had myself, my husband & even the doctor I was good. I continued to drink secretly. My habit has always been to drink at the weekend & maybe Monday night also just for the kicks. A half bottle of vodka each time- sometimes my husband wouldn’t even know I had any others I would openly have a glass or 2 with more hidden upstairs to take sips from. During the week I would abstain but the highlight of my week was Saturday evening – drinking time.

This is going to be my public diary of my journey into a not so needy relationship with alcohol. I have decided no more drinking in the house only when I socialise. My problem began drinking at home so the drinking at home stops & a new journey begins. No more empty bottles, no more throwing away bottles in the bins on the way to work. Last time I said cold turkey & failed so this is my new approach. I don’t get to socialise much & if I can handle a few drinks at events, parties etc.. now & then without bingeing I will a very happy lady. So far I feel positive about this but that could all change at any time so I’m hoping this blog will help me stay on track.

Sadie Dee x

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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