Day 16

This morning I awoke feeling a bit better than yesterday. I thought get up & set on with it girl. One hour later I was back to feeling low, on edge & miserable. It felt like pmt but that time ain’t due yet. I did get on with the day though but I am sure my husband noticed I was tense, distant & easily agitated. I feel like I am sinking into a depression. I don’t know if this is a result of not having alcohol to look forward to or this is the depression I have been masking with alcohol & the alcohol is now removed I am left with these feelings I have been running away from. It’s hard I feel life has no meaning for me at the moment. Yes my son needs me but the joy I should feel isn’t there.

Well this is a depressing post but here is where I tell the truth. The truth is I feel so so sad at the moment & I don’t know how to build myself up. Still I haven’t drank so that is something but I do know that the drink took this feeling away obviously & even the looking forward to it all week pushed this sad feeling aside.

Yet again let’s see what tomorrow brings. I think the weekdays are easier as they usually were my non drinking days & there is more distractions of work, school pickup & routine. My husband starts a new work shift 2pm – 10pm from tomorrow & when he told me this evening I was secretly happy as I just feel like I want to be on my own at the moment.

Day 15- Hit a low

So I have missed a few days of posting on here. I haven’t gone back to the bottle !! Phew! I was just really busy with no chance to sit with the laptop & type. The week went fine – it was my husband’s Birthday yesterday & this would usually trigger a drinking session even if it was for me alone but we had a family evening together with no booze.

This morning I woke up feeling lost & low. Saturday would usually be me jumping out of bed with a smile on my face for the day as it was drinking night. This morning I knew I no longer had that to look forward to. I also felt so disappointed that this was how I felt that with a lovely family & nice life that this was the thing that I feel gives me happiness. The high from not drinking had lowered & maybe reality kicked in that this is how it is going to be that the excitement & anticipation of the drinking at the weekend is gone.What do I have to look forward to? It’s Groundhog Day now. Maybe it’s just how I feel today – I am hoping as time goes on & I get used to this new life I can accept this.

I am lost as what to do today- planning on cleaning the house, do some dance practice, spend time with the family but it doesn’t excite me or fulfill me. Maybe years of this cycle of drinking has ruined my ability to feel properly.

I’ll post tomorrow- maybe it will be a better day x

Day 9 & 10

I did it!! I did it!!

A whole sober weekend & I felt okay. There were a few triggers here & there but I brushed them aside. I actually can’t believe it was as easy as it was. I thought I might have terrible triggers all day Sunday but no I just got on with the day. It was a family day at home & I was fully present. My husband is being very loving & I can feel a better bound forming.

Today is Monday & I went to work as usual & I was criticized for something I had done on Friday which my boss brought to light to me. I felt disappointed. I am the kind of person that would get anxious about that & carry it with me for the day. I tried to reassure myself it was okay & you learn by your mistakes & even though it was something small my confidence was a little dented. I collected my son from school after work & walking home the thought did come into my head as it does each Monday oh wouldn’t it be nice to drink later & chill on the couch. There it was that inner voice which I thought – that is all it is a voice, it’s not you it’s the drink monster poking at you to drink. I said to myself – no it’s not going to win that silly thought does not control my happiness, even if it is going to be hard it is not going to ruin my life & I went home drink free & got on with my day…..success!!

I feel more productive, in the zone, present & optimistic. I am not fully there yet – maybe I will always have those thoughts to deal with & I hope I can always deal with them. I hope I can just learn to like me & not be afraid of what people think of me.

Let’s keep going !

Day 8- Going Strong

So it’s sober Saturday & day 8 of no booze yahoo!!!

Yep it hasn’t been that bad at all today when I think about it. Went out as planned for coffee & cake with my husband & little boy & did some shopping. A fair few times the not boozing tonight came into my head but I brushed it off each time. I would usually be obsessed with the thoughts of not drinking tonight & it would make me nervous & miserable. It was nice not to have to think about when will I get the chance to pick up my bottle for tonight? Will I get an extra bottle to hide etc..? I felt I was more aware today- more in the moment with my husband & child & moments of genuine happiness. I suppose my usual Saturday would be focusing on the evening looking forward to getting drunk which meant I was not in the moment. My husband has also being giving me more hugs than usual & I caught him looking at me in a loving was a couple of times. I didn’t ask him why- either he is making more of an effort also or I seem different to him & he is responding.

So let’s see how the rest of the night goes. Will I miss it terribly ? Hmmm I dunno so far so good. I can do this !

I’m looking forward to ordering food & maybe a foot massage from the hubby – the simple things & actually remembering them.

Let’s live this life ! Lol

Day 7

So it’s the weekend which means trigger time. I have had thoughts creep in today every now & then about having no alcohol this weekend & a feeling of small disappointment. I’m afraid the evenings might feel a bit boring- Saturdays I would usually awake thinking yay I can drink tonight, get a takeaway, watch a film with my husband- it would be the thing I would most look forward to all week. This ain’t living.

Tomorrow we plan on taking our son to a cafe for a weekend treat of a big slice of cake & to do some shopping, later cuddles & movie night with my husband minus the booze. What I have noticed about myself is that I have to have something to look forward to & the drink was my number one thing – that now has to be replaced by something. It’s not like drink was everything in my life. I have my family, a new job I love, I am a dance performer in my spare time, a good set of friend ( although they love to drink ) – I exercise almost daily but nothing makes me beam with happiness & I think it must be all those years of drinking has numbed my ability to feel in every way. I’m hoping this will change that I can live life & be content & happy.

I spent years & years caught in this cycle -what I am trying to keep in my thought is in a few months time I will feel amazing at my achievement – I will be normal – well kinda normal 😀

Day 6 Looking Forward

I have to say I feel more confident & content this time around than last time I tried to tackle my drinking. I don’t know exactly what it is this time that has made it different. 9 months ago when I went to the doctor about my weekend binge drinking & ahem more during the week which I didn’t mention so much she told me to go booze free until my next visit a week later. I took on the challenge tried to be optimistic & for a few days I felt okay. Saturday came & the 5pm triggers set in. I wanted to do my usual drinking ritual to feel the comfort of the booze like a warm friend. I did it though I didn’t drink & the Sunday I didn’t drink. I thought once I get through trigger time but it was hard, I remember on the Sunday I walked the dog with the intent on buying a bottle of booze but I went home empty handed- I had done it- but was I happy ? No – did I not drink the following weekend? No

Now – this weeknd – this lovely weekend I will have with my husband & son I will not drink & I don’t feel like it’s a chore to try to stop myself. I feel okay about it – in fact I am thinking I will be aware & feel the whole weekend- no blurs & no hangovers. Am I being too optimistic – time will tell- Saturday will tell. I had my last at home binge 6 days ago last Friday so I already got through a weeknd but this is the important one ahead to get through.

The best thing is I have nothing to hide anymore. My relationships can only improve especially with my husband as there are no more secrets no more hiding. The hiding haunted me – the guilt & shame ate me up. If I don’t hide my drinking anymore I will feel free for the first time in years. I spent years & years hiding this part of myself. I felt like such a bad person & that I would have to pay for it in the end. This will be a new life.

It’s 21.14 & I will be retiring to bed soon after a good positive day- please let this continue- I want to live life to the full.

Goodnight

MissD Haze x

My Journey Begins- Female alcohol dependency

So this is day 5 of my new relationship with alcohol. As of Friday the 19th of Jan 2018 there will be no more hidden empty bottles hidden in the end of the wardrobe again after a night’s binging on a half bottle of vodka. No more stopping at the off licence after work or picking up a bottle at the supermarket, or walking the dog & stopping in somewhere to buy some booze & trying to hide it when coming back home to drink later in secret.

I am a 37 years old, married & have a 5 year old son. I began secret drinking in a past relationship long before I met my husband. The relationship was toxic & drank to numb myself I guess not realising I would end up with 13 years later caught in the same habit. My ex never in 6 & a half years knew about my secret drinking but less then 6 months into my relationship with my now husband he had found my empty bottles. Worried sick he didn’t know what to do & I convinced him not to tell anyone & that I will get it under control but he found them again & then again until we just didn’t talk about it anymore. I was so ashamed & the guilt haunted me but I still did it. I loved how alcohol made me feel so chilled so relaxed & the world stopped for those few hours while drunk.

I’ve tried before 9 months ago to stop after breaking down in front of my husband one night & telling him I knew I had a problem & drinking is what I most looked forward to. With his support I went to the doctor spoke things through & after 2 weeks of abstaining I had myself, my husband & even the doctor I was good. I continued to drink secretly. My habit has always been to drink at the weekend & maybe Monday night also just for the kicks. A half bottle of vodka each time- sometimes my husband wouldn’t even know I had any others I would openly have a glass or 2 with more hidden upstairs to take sips from. During the week I would abstain but the highlight of my week was Saturday evening – drinking time.

This is going to be my public diary of my journey into a not so needy relationship with alcohol. I have decided no more drinking in the house only when I socialise. My problem began drinking at home so the drinking at home stops & a new journey begins. No more empty bottles, no more throwing away bottles in the bins on the way to work. Last time I said cold turkey & failed so this is my new approach. I don’t get to socialise much & if I can handle a few drinks at events, parties etc.. now & then without bingeing I will a very happy lady. So far I feel positive about this but that could all change at any time so I’m hoping this blog will help me stay on track.

Sadie Dee x

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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